"Not only are love and hate such closely related emotions,
it's a lot easier to hate someone you've cared about than someone
you never have."

-Brian Warner

After all this time, I finally found the words I want to say to you. Since we knew each other so well before, I'm sure you know I'm talking to you now if you read these lines. I want to tell you I know what you tried to do a month before your birthday, and the purpose of that present was not to get you to stop ignoring me or to ask for forgiveness for whatever it is I did. It was a goodbye present. And I'm telling you now because I couldn't before, that I didn't believe a single word of that bullshit you fed me on msn. And I was so close to fucking tears when you said that. Beautiful thing about technology, isn't it? That you get to lie without breaking a sweat? And somehow, though, I found it in my heart to want to believe what you said, so I did just that. I'm still pissed off at myself for that too, just so you know. By the way, don't try to lie to me if you ever talk to me again, I had a confirmation from someone that you did what you tried to do. Just that present I gave you ruined your plans. And I still can't believe your friendship meant that much to me. Oh yeah, and this is what pushed me to send that short and simple sms to you that ended everything. I lied when I told you that i didn't need a friend like you anymore. What I really meant to say was that I didn't want you as a friend anymore. I didn't want a friend who found me disposable, who left me waiting without your arrival when you said you would meet up with me, who basically made a fucking fool out of me unintentionally or intentionally,I'm not even sure anymore. I was hurt and I have not forgotten. It was not that one day that pushed me to do it. It was everything that happened over the two years. I know I sound corny, but I just have to say it. This matter is way past my time and I have to put a stop to the memories, so I'm going to do it now. (Damn it Dee, stop fucking mentioning her when you see her. I don't want to fucking know.) Maybe next time, when we see each other again, no, if we see each other again and get to talk, not just speak, we would make the wise desicion of actually staying apart. To leave a huge steel wall inbetween us, so we would never have to repeat the same mistakes we did three times. I just noticed, too, that this is the first and only long letter, or well actually post thing I have written to you. I remember so clearly that it was always you who wrote the long letters. Quite a few of them too. I actually still have one of those letters you wrote to me. The one in sec three, my birthday card. What you wrote in that letter meant so much to me I couldn't bring myself to throw it away. I still have it locked away with all the other cards i received from my friends and family. I know, you should be laughing at me now as you read this. I would too, anyway, if I were you. (God damn it, I can't believe cosfest pushed me to write this thing.) I guess I'm not as good at hiding as I used to be. I'm -as I always say now when I say something wrong- brutally honest. I can't lie or act to save my bloody life.
Now that that's done with, I hope you don't take this too seriously, and forgive me if I hurt you or pissed you off all over again (although I'm pretty sure you won't) I just needed to get that out of my system. I'm going to tell you, that I'm going to forgive and forget all the things we did to each other. I'm going to honestly and truthfully pull myself away from this, and maybe next time, I wouldn't feel that cut when I see you again. If you ever read this, and if you have not already forgotten or forgiven me, you should give it a shot. I heard it helps. One last thing. I'm sorry for all the things I've done to you as well. Trust me, even as I'm typing this down, it's hard for me at this point of time, but I'm sure it'll change.
Now all I have to do, is click that publish post button and

I LEFT TEMASEK POLY!!<33

Ok. Well, I'm not exactly all <3333 about it, but what the heck. My parents and I went down to Lasalle after Tp at about 2 I think, and somehow, I've managed to get an interview. I'm so nervous!! I'm supposed to bring at least 10 pieces of the best art that I've done so far. But the thing is, I lost almost all of my confidence in my portfolio AND the interview is in 3 days. So I gotta come up with at least one piece of art that just screams "Damn, this girl is good. She nailed it."

Yeah.

I have to return the marticulation card and something else too on Friday. Then I'll be officially out. Then i'll go for cca~<333

I was thinking of putting in one of my failure paintings. And comparing it with one of my recent ones. You know, just to see the progress and stuff. But I guess I'll think about that later. And before I forget, the interview is on Friday, 10 in the morning. I'm so doomed. Oh, and one more thing. It's a group interview, and they're probably going to ask me complicated questions like "So tell me, Samantha, what INSPIRES you to draw? To paint?" That's what the information guy hinted to me. I'm so doomed. I mean, seriously, what DOES inspire me to draw? I sure as hell don't know. It just comes. Like that. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION?

I have 3 days to think about it, so i hope I'll be able to come up with something good by then. Damn it, now I wish I had Seah's skills of bullshitting her way through things (She makes complete crap sound good =x)

And... I'm heading back to Kc tomorrow to get my testimonial with Ri and Roy!~ (Hopefully I'll get to see Ju Ju. The last time I went back, he went off before I actually got there.)

Neways, I need to get something.. ANYTHING drawn/painted/coloured/done. I really, really hate portfolios now.

Whoots! I'm finally quitting school tomorrow. Then after I'm done at the admission's office, I have to drag my ass down to both nafa and lasalle if I have the time to ask questions and.. stuff. And I'll get to see my Dad tomorrow since I just noticed I haven't seen him since the school holidays. (I'm throwing the parent card tomorrow at the admissions office, just as Ri suggested.)

Heh. Anyway, my course manager with all her fake concern tried to psycho me into staying in my course. (She didn't even know how I did for my term tests. I'm guessing she found out my name five minutes before she stepped into the meeting room. If she knew what I got for maths.. She would be dumb not to expel me. Thank heavens she didn't :D I get to quit first.) The more she tried to persuade me NOT to quit, the more I actually WANTED to quit. So there, I'm sorry, that's just my personality >_>

After the talk with.. Shit. I forgot her name. I just remember her insanely pink lipstick and her messy, curly hair sticking out in strange places. Oh, don't forget those round thin gold glasses she was wearing. And the black shirt thing. That's besides the point but anyway, yea, I met two of my seniors who just happened to be sitting behind me during my hap lecture. (I was chased back to class after she found out I was skipping tutorials to see her. )They told me that if I wanted to quit, I should just quit and not bother about the whole motherly act they put on when they send you for "consultation". She pissed me off, she didn't make me feel guilty >_o I guess I'm horrible that way. Her reason for advice : She had the same problem as me, wanted to transfer and all that but the science school kinda denied her that exit..

So @%#* it. I'm quitting. ANNNDD before I forget, I also had a chat with my biochem lecturer that day. He was really really REALLY nice to me even though I came in 20 minutes late. I sat beside him during the tutorial class cause.. that was the only empty seat left. (Lucky me :D) He actually told me that coming to this biotech course just to try it out was an excellent decision. I told him that I tried it out because I did not want to regret diving into nafa or lasalle head first without actually trying out new things, like science, which I now know isn't my calling. I mean, I could probably get into nafa if I pass the test anytime. But poly.. well.. first priority to "o" Lvl students, so it won't be easy if I decide to quit a private school then decide to head on to a poly. He also told me other stuff which I promised not to say, so I won't. Thanks loads!! Kudos to you!!

All these things actually happened last wednesday. So major lag time on my part.

And I just promised Winnie I would go for cca every friday and, hopefully, saturday if I have the time. Or I, sebastian would break her heart and Wesley would get pissed off. So ouch. Cca is the only time that I get to see Dee Dee and Ri now, so I'm gonna attend it even if my life depended on it!

Pfft, yeah right. Maybe not my life, but something else.

Oh and... I've been crazy over this dance. It's just.. I feel it was so well planned out, it was like *Muacks*

I'll be where raindrops paint a picture [Going closer to wrong and further from right] says:
well. if thats the case shouldnt you sleep sooner? or are you not planning to sleep at all?
~[[EFX-16]]~™//EFVXV//YUI FOREVER//Hashbrown: Just Eat It//Ms Tah-dah 0806279F=Shoe strings//You think I give a F***?// says:
Don't know
~[[EFX-16]]~™//EFVXV//YUI FOREVER//Hashbrown: Just Eat It//Ms Tah-dah 0806279F=Shoe strings//You think I give a F***?// says:
Maybe the latter bahs
I'll be where raindrops paint a picture [Going closer to wrong and further from right] says:
whoa, dont die halfway, yea XD"
~[[EFX-16]]~™//EFVXV//YUI FOREVER//Hashbrown: Just Eat It//Ms Tah-dah 0806279F=Shoe strings//You think I give a F***?// says:
lols
~[[EFX-16]]~™//EFVXV//YUI FOREVER//Hashbrown: Just Eat It//Ms Tah-dah 0806279F=Shoe strings//You think I give a F***?// says:
She's my source of energy
~[[EFX-16]]~™//EFVXV//YUI FOREVER//Hashbrown: Just Eat It//Ms Tah-dah 0806279F=Shoe strings//You think I give a F***?// says:
lols
~[[EFX-16]]~™//EFVXV//YUI FOREVER//Hashbrown: Just Eat It//Ms Tah-dah 0806279F=Shoe strings//You think I give a F***?// says:
Whoops~
~[[EFX-16]]~™//EFVXV//YUI FOREVER//Hashbrown: Just Eat It//Ms Tah-dah 0806279F=Shoe strings//You think I give a F***?// says:
x
~[[EFX-16]]~™//EFVXV//YUI FOREVER//Hashbrown: Just Eat It//Ms Tah-dah 0806279F=Shoe strings//You think I give a F***?// says:
=x



Dude XD

For starters, I spent $100++ on markers today!~ <3>_o Or maybe it's a new current obsession, as Ri Ri so conviniently put it.

Lately, my indecisiveness has put me in a bloody tight spot. I've been thinking of quitting school cause of several reasons. I don't want to waste my time here, I want to do something useful like earning some moolahs, I want to draw whatever I want, whenever I want, I don't want to aimlessly go to school to blankly stare at the screen only to fall asleep five minutes into the lecture- Yea. Pretty good reasons, in my opinion.

Also, my mother and I just had a heart to heart talk two days ago and I realised that things are never as simple as it seems. Right now I feel like a useless bum, just coming to school to hang out, skip lectures, and basically enjoy myself. I mean, it's not like I don't think I should have fun, but it's just that I'm having wayyyyy too much fun. Right now, mondays to thursdays can go to hell while I skip lectures, tutorials, and basically school, while fridays to sundays.. well.. I've been staying out pretty late. Anyway, back to the mother. Basically, and ironically, I'm one of the only things she has been proud of as of late. If you knew me well enough, you would understand what I just said. And I REFUSE to do anything to upset her, she doesn't deserve it. And my stupid little mistake of not trying hard enough to get into my god forsaken visual comm course has been dragging me down.

And the cause of my indecisiveness, my new friends. I don't want to leave cause I still want to hang out with them during breaks, they told me I shouldn't leave until the end of semester since I paid for my school fees already, I want to go for my cca (I swear, it's fucking karma)- I don't think I have anymore reasons. That's kind of.. sad. I don't want to quit school cause of friends XD I'm not pointing fingers or anything. Really.

Whatever it is, I'm gonna have to talk to my course manager tomorrow. I'm sure it'll be fun to talk to whatshernameagain- I forgot.. my course manager's name. Wtf. That just shows how much I care, I guess. WTFAMIDOINGINABLOODYSCIENCECOURSEDAMNIT. Nevermind.

Oh yeah, and I just started listening to songs I grew up with again. I just needed to find myself again (not literally damnit.) because I kind of forgot who I.. was. Dude, I sound crazy now, don't I? Well whatever.

Labels: Emotime